Bill Simmons has his buddy Gus. I’ve got my uncle Keith. Well, Keith was over a few weeks ago and offered a novel scenario: What might it be like to hold a Bad Star Game for baseball’s worst performers during the season?
As a lifelong Kansas City Royals fan, I found this concept intriguing. There are certainly enough ballplayers over the years in KC to fill an entire team of Bad Star Game participants. When I was younger, I recall David Howard struggling to stay above triple digits in the batting average category early in the season one year. (Lifetime average of .229). Little did I know there would be plenty of David Howards in the coming decade.
Anyway, this got me to thinking: who would comprise this secondary squad of major league rejects in the American League in 2008? If we can laud those major leaguers who perform admirably with an All-Star Game, why not a Bad Star Game for those who leave something to be desired?
Without further ado, Stop the Presses announces the very first members of the Bad Star Game. The selection process required picking one pitcher and one hitter who are most deserving from each American League team. The game will take place in Montreal, where attendance was sparse even when the Expos were good. Surely, attendance would be equally poor for the Bad Star Game. Here is a team-by-team breakdown:
KANSAS CITY ROYALS:
Tony Pena Jr., shortstop. Credentials include a .160 batting average in 194 at bats. Stop the Presses figures that after he goes 0-for-5, he can come in to pitch the ninth. Pena actually tossed one inning of 1-2-3 baseball earlier this season, topping out with a fastball at 91 MPH. Most National League pitchers probably have a better batting average than he does, though, so we'll make sure he never leaves the American League. That way, we'll never have to see him bat again.
Pitchers: Jimmy Gobble and Hideo Nomo. Gobble and Nomo's ERAs are so high, I wouldn't be surprised if a routine doctor's exam determined they were legally blind. Gobble's ERA: 11.31 in 31 appearances. That’s a lot of opportunities to not give up a run. Hideo Nomo: 18.69 ERA. He has been elected to come out of retirement to participant in one final gopher ball fest in the Bad Star Game. We long for the days when Nomo was God’s gift to Japanese baseball.
BALTIMORE ORIOLES:
Pitcher: Steve Trachsel. Trachsel has made exactly $750,000 per victory this season (two wins.) In sports journalism terms, we’re talking about 30 years worth of covering games (including the occasional Bad Star phenom such as Trachsel) to accumulate that sum. Trachsel’s 8.39 ERA comes in 10 appearances, eight starts and 39.2 innings pitched. How the Orioles could allow him on the mound past half that many innings boggles the mind. He was finally designated for assignment on June 10 but recalled for the Bad Star Game.
Freddie Bynum, shortstop. Bynum was sent down to the minors in Norfolk, and rightfully so. He has a .179 average in 112 at bats with 0 home runs and 8 RBI in the majors.
BOSTON RED SOX:
Catcher Jason Veritek. Surprisingly, the former gold glove and silver slugger award winner is hitting .212 this season in 325 at bats. He’s hitting 50 points below his career average, yet somehow made the 2008 All Star Game. In fact, he might be the first and only player to participate in the All Star Game in July and the Bad Star Game in August.
Pitcher Clay Buchholz. OK, the kid tossed a no-hitter a year ago, but that doesn’t abstain him from action in this year’s Bad Star Game. 2-8 with a 6.32 ERA, and he’s actually been pitching 14 games started and 72.2 innings pitched. just replaced in the Red Sox rotation by fellow Bad Star team member Paul Byrd.
CHICAGO WHITE SOX:
Pitcher Clayton Richard. The White Sox purchased the contract of Richard just last month (July 22) and yet, his ERA already has ballooned to 10.38. After being sent down, incredibly, it’s been reported he’ll likely get called back up. Huh? 15 earned runs in 13 innings wasn’t bad enough. Book him a flight to the Bad Star Game.
Ken Griffey Jr, center fielder. The big trade to keep the Sox in the playoff hunt. Griffey is hitting .219 in his first 10 games with the Sox. 0 homers, 0 triples, 0 doubles. Some trade. Oh well. He's still so darn cool.
CLEVELAND INDIANS:
Andy Marte, third baseman. Hitting .185 in 162 at bats. Sign No. 1 that you belong in the Bad Star Game: 40 strikeouts, 30 hits.
Paul Byrd, pitcher: traded to Boston for the stretch run. And what’s not to like? 10 losses and no more HGH use. Sounds like the perfect fit.
DETROIT TIGERS:
Dontrelle Willis, pitcher: Perhaps one of, if not the, biggest bust from the summer of 2008 — although technically, Willis never actually made it to the summer. His last start came on June 9 when he allowed 8 runs in 1 1/3 innings. His ERA stands at 10.32. Somehow, his $7 million salary afforded the Tigers exactly zero wins. Willis certainly will be in the running for Bad Star Game starter — if anybody can find him down on the minor league circuit.
Jacque Jones, left fielder. Think about all the money the Tigers could have saved this season without Willis and Jones — roughly $13.3 million (Jones is making over $6.3 million this year). Oh yeah. Jones doesn’t even play for the Tigers anymore. He’s already been designated for assignment by both the Tigers and the Florida Marlins. Last year, he batted a solid .285. This year? A less-than-stellar .147. His .165 batting average actually got worse when he got picked up by the Marlins. He may bat leadoff in the Bad Star Game, however.
LOS ANGELES ANGELS:
Gary Matthews Jr., left fielder. He’s making a whopping $9.4 million this season to hit .224. What’s more, he has 85 strikeouts to 76 hits. Hey, at least the Angels don’t seem to be too affected by his poor performance. They’re still in first place.
Pitching: None. It’s tough to nitpick with a team 30 games over .500 (75-45 as of Saturday). Therefore, Bad Star Game Manager Cito Gaston (whom Stop the Presses will never forgive for not pitching Mike Mussina in the 1993 All-Star Game) has bypassed selecting a pitcher from the Angels. They’re too good.
MINNESOTA TWINS:
Boof Bonser, pitcher. Bonser actually appeared in Friday night’s game against Seattle, pitching a scoreless inning. Still, the Bad Star Game can’t ignore his 6.30 ERA in 95 2/3 innings pitched.
Craig Monroe, center fielder. Monroe’s last name might not be Mendoza, but a couple more at bats and he should consider legally changing it anyway. With a .202 batting average, he barely clears the infamous Mendoza line*
*How bad would it be to be poor Mario Mendoza? In 1979, he batted .198 for a full season while with the Seattle Mariners. What a way to have a career known for. Apparently, Royals Hall of Famer George Brett coined the term, Mendoza line. But Stop the Presses wants to know: who let Mendoza continue in the lineup with a batting average like that? Even the Royals limited Tony Pena Jr’s duty this season when it became known he had the hitting ability of a third grader.
NEW YORK YANKEES:
Brett Gardner, center field. Stop the Presses should give this kid a break, but hey, the Evil Empire deserves no such treatment. Gardner is just 24 years old, but in the big show this season, he’s batting .143. Yet he just got recalled to the Yankees after spending time in the minors. In his first game back, he went 0-for-4 Friday night against the Royals. On a more exciting note for Gardner, somehow 0.7 percent of ESPN fantasy baseball owners have Gardner on their team still.
Pitching: TIE- Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy. In a season of disappointment, perhaps no two players have done less for the Yankees than these two young pitchers. In 61 2/3 combined innings, they’ve allowed 58 earned runs. They’re also currently living the high life for the Triple-A club.
OAKLAND A’S:
Pitcher, Lenny DiNardo. With a name like this, you’d think the guy would be starring in a mob show opposite Tony Saprano. Instead, DiNardo thought it might be a good idea to pitch. This year, he has a 7.43 ERA and was just optioned to Triple-A Sacramento earlier this week. We here at Stop the Presses have just one thing to tell you, Mr. DiNardo: Don’t Stop Believin’.
Daric Barton, first baseman. When I think of major league first baseman, intimidation comes to mind. Like Frank Thomas or Mark McGwire. But Daric Barton? He’s so not intimidating that he’s batting .207 – with 81 strikeouts and 67 hits.
SEATTLE MARINERS:
Richie Sexson, first baseman. Sexson’s season epitomizes what we’re looking for in a Bad Star Game starter. Chiefly, being released by two teams in one year. First, it was the Mariners. Then, it was the New York Spankees. A .221 average in 280 at bats will tend to do that. Not to worry, Richie. We’re sure you’ll bounce back with an independent league baseball team. Check out the Kansas City T-Bones. They’re in the business of getting washed up major leaguers.
Miguel Batista, pitcher. It seems almost everyone in the majors is a former Kansas City Royal. While with the Royals briefly in 2000, Batista’s ERA was 7.74. Apparently, eight years isn’t enough time for major league teams to learn. His ERA has dropped all the way down to a robust 6.75 with a win-loss record of 4-12. Nothing says Bad Star Game like one win for every three losses.
TAMPA BAY RAYS:
Stop the Presses refuses to disparage the mighty Rays this season. Any team with the 29th best payroll in baseball deserves props for staying ahead of Boston and New York in the AL East. Here’s hoping the Rays find their way to the World Series.
TEXAS RANGERS:
Luis Mondoza: Now HERE’S a Mendoza who can play in this year’s Bad Star Game. Mendoza’s last pitching performance on August 13 against Boston was so bad, Texas shipped him out to Triple-A Oklahoma three days later. Mendoza’s ERA stands at 8.13. Before his 4 innings pitched and 8 runs allowed against Boston, he was doing fine — with a 7.50 ERA.
Offense: It’s not the hitters that have issues in Texas. It’s the pitching. Despite a team batting average of .280, the pitchers are allowing opponents to hit .291. Just look at last week’s series at Boston, where the Red Sox set a club record by scoring 37 runs in a three-game series against Texas. ‘Nuff said. If we could, Stop the Presses would allow every Rangers pitcher into the Bad Star game. But, alas, we’re equal opportunity decision makers.
TORONTO BLUE JAYS:
As the only Canadian team left in the majors, Stop the Presses deemed the Blue Jays do not count as a real American League team. But since this Bad Star Game is taking place in Montreal, we’ll allow the Blue Jays to be honorary captains. Stick to hockey, Toronto.
